Truth & The Penis (1997)

If we were all doing it:
telling truths like mad people,
maybe we’d have to
either start knowing the truth
about how we love to kill each other
or
we’d have to stop doing it.
So what the hell is true?

I’m still trying
to figure out what truth is.
Because the truth is,
truth is really confusing.
I mean there are some things
that are just true.
I know one something that’s true.
When I bite my cheek and I have a little lump
on the inside next to my second back left molar,
that is a true lump.
I mean that is one true thing.
It’s one fucking irritating, interfering little hump of skin.
And then every time I try to take a bite
of some food that might otherwise
be succulent or delicious or even spicy,
I rupture the hump.
And when I try to kind of suck on my cheek,
gently while I’m thinking-
it’s this little thing I do for emphasis-
I’ll be thinking and sucking
and then
I bite it again.
It hurts to bite my hump.
Between the hurting and the hump
I get to know the cheek thing
is really true.
It gets really confusing if I start thinking—
but without the sucking
because of the hump—
do I really bite my cheek
because I want to?
That’s what I said before.
But if what I said was true
then I must want to do it.
And if I want to do it
then it must be something I want to do.
And then it couldn’t be true that I don’t like it.
There has to be some sort of reality here.
I don’t like biting my cheek.
I don’t do it because I want to.
But I do. Do it.
And eating my cheek hump sucks.
I can think of a few other things that are true.
They get to be lies a little bit when I talk about them
but they feel like they’re true when they’re happening.
I mean one way it’s really hard to tell a lie
is when your mouth is full.
I mean when my mouth is full
it’s really hard to tell a lie
because it’s really hard to get my lips wrapped around it.
So this seems true.
It’s really hard to get my lips wrapped around something
when I already have something in my mouth.
But there’s one kind of something
that when it’s in my mouth,
well, when it is,
it’s really hard for me to lie.
Because it’s really hard for me to talk.
I mean have you ever tried to talk
when you were giving someone a blow job?
It’s really difficult.
Particularly if they’re big.
And I should know.
Because I used to be
the blow job queen.
I swear. I’ve given more blow jobs
than any woman I’ve ever known.
It could be a by-product of rape.
When one orifice is out of commission,
some people think that
compensation is in order.
Other people think it’s part of the marriage contract.
Ohhh. This leads us into a whole other category of truth and lies.
Pulling it in just a little
leads me to an important question.
How many times has it happened
that somebody wants to know
if they’re really big?
Do you think they really want to know if they’re big?
Or do they just kind of want to know if they’re big
because they really want you to make them feel good.
And they really want you to tell them a lie.
But they don’t want to know that’s it’s a lie.
They want you to lie about lying.
I really know about this too.
Because my friend who read this for me,
(lots of years ago when I wrote the first draft
and he was helping by looking for typos)
just had to ask me—
while his face plead innocence
and his eyes definitely asked for a lie—
whether surely this part wasn’t about him?
I want to tell you that I got on my knees,
unzipped his pants, put his penis in my mouth,
and then, because he was actually pretty tiny
I was able to say
with full enunciation:
‘of course not.’ without missing a stroke.
But that would be a lie.
I actually murmured something unintelligible
and went on with my note taking.
Maybe lying about lying makes things true.
I’ve got to think about that.
So if I’m thinking about lying
and I’m lying about lying
then maybe it means that I’m telling a true something.
but I don’t think it’s the something I’m telling that’s true.
I think it’s the sentiment that’s true.
The feeling behind the something that I’m telling.
I mean obviously the thing that I’m saying isn’t true.
Because if the person really isn’t big—
I mean there are people that are really small—
so if the person is really small,
and I’m saying that they’re big
then it’s pretty clear that that’s like a straight-out lie.
But if I’m doing it when my mouth is full of them
then they would know that I was lying,
if they knew
just one additional very important
piece of information:
that it’s really hard to talk with your mouth full.
Especially when it’s full
with somebody whose penis is really big.
In fact, talking with a huge cock
in your mouth is close to impossible.
So if I’m talking while I’m giving a blow job,
even if it’s only to say: ‘Oh yes honey. Huge.’
The true translation is a guaranteed:
‘Oh so sorry. You’re so small.’
Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about this.
Maybe this is one of those true things that popped out.
Maybe that makes this whole thing true.
Okay. I’ve got to get my mind wrapped around this.
Not my mouth.
My mind.
When I wrap my mind around what’s true
and what I have in my mouth is a big cock.
No. I don’t have a big cock in my mouth.
What I have
is I have a very small penis in my mouth.
But it’s attached
to somebody I have very big feelings for.
A somebody that wants to know they have a very big cock.
But honestly they don’t really want to know
if they have a big cock.
So they just told a lie.
Maybe if they tell a lie
that gives me permission to tell a lie.
Does a lie beget a lie?
If a lie begets a lie then I don’t even have to worry about what’s true.
Because there'll never be any reason to tell what’s true.
There’s an awful lot of lies out there.
I can always find some kind of convenient little lie
that someone else told,
to back me up when I need to tell another lie.
And then I never have to tell the truth.
But the truth is, I mean I think this is true.
At least to the best of my knowledge
about what I can tell is true.
I want to learn what’s true.
And I want to figure out how to use the truth.
Because
Well
I think I’d be lying if I told you that I knew exactly
why I wanted to know what’s true.
But I know I want to know what’s true.
I know I do.
There’s something about knowing what’s true
that’s really freeing.
Well I’m not positive about that.
That might have been a little bit of a lie.
It sounds really good though.
That’s where lies come from I think.
They come from sounds.
Well I mean,
Lies are sounds.
I suppose a lie could be something that was an absence.
I mean you could not say something.
And by not saying something.
By not making any sound.
In a way you could be making a lie.
Well maybe you wouldn’t be making a lie.
But you could be contributing to a lie.
Here’s a little nuance:
Contributing to a lie.
Is contributing to a lie like lying?
Is supporting a lie lying?
I guess we all lie.
I mean look around.
I guess we all do in a way.

But you’re still here
and you still seem to want to know what’s true.
How come you want to know what’s true?
Is it really true that you really want to know?
I mean this is what’s true.
I’ll tell you one thing that’s true.
What’s true is that this is the way my mind works,
when I’m trying to figure out
what’s true and what’s a lie.
Because lying is supposed to be bad.
But I see a lot of lying.
Well you can’t really see a lie.
You can see the results of a lie.
I’ve seen a lot of results of lies.
I’ve felt a lot of results of lies.
I’ve felt a lot of results of my own lies.
There’s this twisting kind of gnarly feeling
that happens in my stomach when I’m lying,
that’s really different than the kind of feeling
that happens in my stomach when I’m telling the truth.
so maybe that’s how I can tell when I’m in the truth.
Maybe it all happens in my stomach.
it certainly does sound like an oral thing though
trying to figure out what’s true and what’s a lie.

Back to the size of that thing inside your mouth.
I mean if you have someone’s penis in your mouth.
And it really is big.
And they’re asking you if it’s big.
And your mouth is seriously full.
Then there isn’t any way to answer them.
So that’s their answer.
So with a cock,
the absence of an answer,
can then become a true yes.
Although very often the absence of an answer makes a lie.
In this case though,
in the penis situation, it makes it true.

I’m trying to think of other things that are true.
I mean I really do want to tell the truth.
I want to be a person
that knows the difference
between the truth and lies.
And I don’t want to need a penis in my mouth
in order to find out.
I want to be a person who knows how to use the truth.
I want to be a person who lives in truth.
I imagine you standing there glaring at me,
while I’m trying to figure out what’s true.
And maybe
the only reason that I really want to be in the truth
is because I feel like I’m supposed to come up with the right answer.
But you and I both know
that the feeling of ‘supposed to’ come up with the right answer,
is very often what leads to the lie.
Because when you think you’re supposed to know the answer,
and you don’t know the answer,
and you’re like mopping around in your brain,
going ‘Oh my god oh my god
I need to know the answer I’m supposed to know the answer
I can’t remember the answer.’
Then sometimes.
An answer pops out.
And it’s not true at all.
You can betray yourself this way.
I’ve betrayed myself this way for sure.
I might be betraying myself this way right now.
I mean if I was sure
then it would definitely be true
that I was betraying myself.
but I’m not sure. Are you?
It’s pretty hard to be sure about the truth.